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Movies you should die before you see them…

Well, this is it! The New Year has set in & apparently the chameleon hasn’t been doing much lately except for……..eehhh! Leave that aside. But yes! It’s doing something different this year at the top of the list. Because this “LOVEY-DOVEY” reptile 😉 didn’t have a clear cut #1 flick of the year. Therefore, decided not to arbitrarily designate one. So instead, it’s presenting a list of movies that you should die before you see them.

 

BATTLEFIELD EARTH: A SAGA OF THE YEAR 3000

Franchise Pictures/Morgan Creek Productions/Warner Bros., 2000

PRODUCERS: Jonathan D. Krane, Ellie Samaha, and John Travolta

WRITERS: Corey Mandell and J. D. Shapiro (based on a novel by L. Ron Hubbard)

DIRECTOR: Roger Christian

STARS: John Travolta (Terl), Barry Pepper (Jonnie Goodboy Tyler), and Forest Whitaker (Ker)

The Worst Acting Award goes to… John Travolta, for the bizarre, pseudo-British, ever-shifting accent that poses a serious challenge to Madonna in the Word Fake Accent ever competition. (Is this what Psychlos sound like in English?)

And the worst writing logic Award goes to….Corey Mandell and J.D. Shapiro, with a nod to L. Ron Hubbard for the original novel. The U.S Army base at Fort Hood has flight simulators and Harrier fighter planes that after 1,000 years of disuse are functioning with useable fuel? Uh huh.

 

BRIDE OF THE MONSTER (AKA “BRIDE OF THE ATOM”)

 

Rolling M. Productions, 1955

PRODUCER: Edward D. Wood Jr.

WRITER: Edward D. Wood Jr.

DIRECTOR: Edward D. Wood Jr.

STARS: Bela Lugosi (Dr. Eric Vornoff), Loretta King (Janet Lawton),Tor Johnson (Lobo), Tony McCoy (Lt. Dick Craig), Harvey B.Dunn (Capt. Tom Robbins), Paul Marco (Officer Kelton), and George Becwar (Prof. Vladimir Strowski)

 

Ed Wood is sometimes characterized as the worst director who ever live, and Bride of the Monster is the quintessential Ed Wood movie. It’s full of strange characters badly acted, situations that are minimally explained, sets that are shoddily …almost everything about it is supremely dreadful.

 

THE BLACK DAHLIA

Universal Pictures/Millennium Films, 2006

PRODUCERS: Rudy Cohen, Moshe Diamant, Avi Lerner, and Art Linson

WRITERS: Josh Friedman (script), James Ellroy (novel)

DIRECTOR: Brian De Palma

STARS: Josh Hartnett (Bucky Bleichert), Aaron Eckhart (Lee Blanchard), Scarlett Johansson (Kay Lake), Mia Krishner (Elizabeth Short), and Hilary Swank (Madeleine Linscott).

The Worst Actor Award goes to … Josh Hartnett for the role of Bucky Bleichert. The character’s such a weepy crybaby that you feel embarrassed for him. And the Worst Director Award goes to … Brian De Palma for having such inability to command a proper tone that he can’t even make a footage from a supposed screen test of Elizabeth.

 

SAHARA

Paramount Pictures/Bristol Bay Productions, 2005

PRODUCERS: Gus Gustawes, William J. Immerman, Matthew McConaughey, and Vicky Dee Rock (executive producers).

WRITERS: Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, John C. Richards, and James V. Hart (script).

DIRECTOR: Breck Eisner

STARS: Matthew McConaughey (Dirk Pitt), Steve Zahn (Al Giordino), Penelope Cruz (Eva Rojas), Lambert Wilson (Yves Massarde), and William H. Macy (Jim sandecker).

The Worst Actress Award goes to … Penélope Cruz for being about as annoying and shrewish as possible. She even makes you forget how gorgeous she is. And the Take the Money and Run Award goes to … Author Clive Cussler, who, after selling the rights to adapt his characters to film, immediately badmouthed Sahara. Dude, it’s Hollywood, what did you think they were going to do with it?

Sometimes, even the best idea doesn’t click with the audience. Sometimes, a film was just too expensive and the investment couldn’t be  recovered. And then there are films that fail because they deserve to.

 

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